your shoulders will never be broad enough, nor your back strong enough.
i feel like there are two kinds of breaking points.
the first is more of a surface cracking…like paint, chipping off a once polished surface. little by little. little by little. little by little. it chips away. eventually the finish has worn off. yes, the color may still be there but as it stands alone, the once bright exterior fades. this sort of breaking sneaks up on you. you don’t realize you’re been eaten alive until you’ve been completely devoured by the weight of small, seemingly insignificant things. of course, everything makes more sense in retrospect. looking back you realize that slowly but surely, tiny bits and pieces of you wore off until eventually, that God-given completeness you knew so well was nonexistent; nothing but a memory to prompt the realization that you have changed and you can’t get back on your own.
the second is deep. this is the sort of breaking you feel in your stomach. the sort that makes your heart ache…with an actual physical pain. pain of deep loss. the loss of a person. the loss of who you are supposed to be. the loss of seeing the world the way you were made to see it. this sort of breaking isn’t so much a chipping away as it is a building up. a building up of thoughts. a building up of feelings. a building up of doubts. a building up of fears. but most often a building up of things subconscious. things you don’t even realize are affecting the way that you see yourself; the way that you see your circumstance; and most importantly, the way that you see Him.
build, build, build until one day you wake up to the harsh realization that you’re through. something inside you snaps. you can’t do it anymore. so you resort to tears, or silence, or sleep, or making yourself so busy that you don’t have time to think: whatever it is you choose to numb your pain….to numb the realization that you can’t solve these problems by yourself.
i suppose that in reality, these two types aren’t so different from each other. both stem from failure to resolve. failure to recognize the things within yourself in need of settling.but most importantly, both drive you (or me at least) to some sort of dramatic change. change brought about by the revelation that it is impossible to maintain peace without looking outside of your own capabilities.
perhaps the lesson here is to realize that you will never be able to hold these things on your own? your shoulders will never be broad enough, nor your back strong enough. be still and know that He who created the stars holds you in the palm of his hand.
nothing has changed. he will provide. just rest.
